


Dispelling Rumors

by eastwoodgirl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, M/M, Parody, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-26 14:24:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1691492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eastwoodgirl/pseuds/eastwoodgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A  parody of Snarry fan fiction. Not meant to offend anyone, only to cause indigestion and excessive passing of volatile and explosive gas through one's posterior. Sev and Harry employ the help of a writer to set the record straight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dispelling Rumors

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I just had to write it. Feel free to praise or otherwise. Flames will be printed out and subjected to public humiliation via Severus' "Red Ink Treatment." I always enjoy doing that.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing but myself.
> 
> Warning: Slash. Parody. Cliché. Some tongue in cheek humor. Conceit on the part of the author. Sorry, can't help it. References from Glee. Sexual situations, but nothing too graphic. Compliant up to DH but ignores Snape's death (duh). EWE. Seriously, life would be easier for fan girls if that abomination known as "19 years later" did not happen.

**010101010**

"STUPID! Idiotic –"

"Sev?" Harry stepped inside the spacious quarters he shared with his lover of three years now, Hogwarts Potions Master, Professor Severus Snape.

"Daft! How dare they? How dare they –"

"Sev?" Harry moved closer to the dark-haired man. "What's wrong, love?"

"Wrong?" Severus spat out bitterly. "What's WRONG?" He then reached for a stack of slightly crumpled, almost blood-red inked parchment and threw it against the nearest wall. Harry cringed. He glanced once at the papers on the floor, then at the seething form of his lover.

"Err –first year essays?" Harry asked tentatively. In his knowledge, only first year potions essays could invoke such wrath –and an impossible amount of red ink on paper- from his partner.

Severus looked at him darkly. The potions master then stomped off his seat, charged towards the mess of parchment he had made on the floor, grabbed one, and shoved towards Harry's hands.

"Here! Enjoy this very enchanting piece of literature." Severus raised his hands and air-quoted: "Fan fiction,"

A look of bewilderment crossed Harry's face. Severus was upset over a piece of literature?  _Fictional_ literature at that? The wizarding hero sighed as he took a seat on his favorite armchair by the roaring fire. Severus huffed and slumped down on the seat opposite his lover. His face remained murderous as he watched Harry read the parchment.

A few minutes later, Harry's face mirrored the same look on Severus' features.

"WHAT THE –"

"See?" Severus exclaimed. "Now, tell me that that writer isn't a complete and utter fool! All of them! What are they thinking? How can one person be that snarky –with a perpetual scowl on his face at that! Is that even humanly possible? And my hair isn't greasy! I wash it with special shampoo twice a day!" He then reached for another parchment and shoved it towards Harry. "Why this one even says I'm dead! What Potions Master would not carry a vial of anti-snake venom and blood replenishers in his person when going into battle? Seriously?  **A snake bite**? Nagini was nothing but a garden snake with growth hormone issues –I died from a bloody snake bite! From a garden snake nonetheless!"

Harry sighed. No wonder Severus was fuming. These –these fictional stories were even more "fictional" than Rita Skeeter's work.

"This one says I'm supposed to be your father –that's just not disturbing in more ways than one, but completely and utterly disgusting! This one says you think I'm a git –yeah, right… This one says you are suffering from a hero-complex –while this one begs to disagree and says that you were practically a pushover!" Severus continued rambling as he went through parchment after parchment. "This one says you married that Weasley girl –"

"WHAT?" Harry asked incredulously. " But –but I'M GAY!  **Everybody**  knows that!"

Severus paid no attention to him.

"This one says my nose is too BIG –it's not big, it's aristocratic! Merlin! And for the nth time, I DON'T HATE YOU –You just annoy me sometimes… This one says I've killed the Headmaster, who in fact, just came from here two hours ago, inviting me to a game of Muggle golf this Sunday! This one says I've shagged Lucius –NO, Potter, don't you  **dare**  even comment on that! I'd hate to lose the little sanity I have left! This one says my nose is huge… this one says –oh for crying out loud! I DID NOT FANCY JAMES POTTER! Where in the nine circles of hell do they get these ideas, seriously! Lily, I could understand, but JAMES POTTER! Why –"

"Hey, that's my father you're bashing," Harry said softly, but one look from Severus shut him down. "Yeah, well, okay… bash him all you want."

Severus groaned and face palmed.

"I  **am**  going to turn into that heartless, snarky git they so love to portray me as if this doesn't stop soon! Merlin! I know it's just fiction, but people would believe anything they hear or read about nowadays!"

Harry let out a deep breath. He moved closer to Severus and wrapped his arms around his partner.

"Don't worry, Sev –"

"Potter, if you tell me to NOT WORRY again, I swear –"

"Shh…| Harry smiled sweetly as he brought a finger against Severus' lips. "I know just the thing to dispel those nasty rumors." Severus looked skeptical.

"You do?" He snorted. "Really?" Harry grinned.

"I know just the person to call. She'll help us put an end to this."

"Who?"

"You'll see."

**010101010**

"Harry, tell me again why I let you dress me up in muggle clothing? Was I under a super-powered Imperious or did you slip Confusing Concoction in my morning tea?"

"Hush Sev, were meeting my friend."

"You've been telling me that since last night. Why are we meeting your friend in a muggle area?"

"Err –because she is a muggle."

"She?"

"Yep."

"A muggle."

"Yep. Yep."

"And  **she**  can help us?" Severus asked cynically. Harry sighed.

"Of course, love. She's a decent fan fiction writer. You might even know her, considering the fact that you have read her works –"

"I thought we have agreed to do away with that fan fiction nonsense!" Severus exclaimed. "And I DO NOT read fictional literature that are even more fictional than the trash written on the Quibbler!"

Harry looked at him darkly.

"You will be nice to her Severus. She has taken the time off to meet with us. And you will shut up about trash –my friend has dedicated her life on writing Snarry stories that are –"

"What the heck is a  **Snarry?** "

Harry lost the dark look and chuckled.

"Oh you –silly, I can't believe you have no idea –"

"Just answer the question, Potter!"

Harry smiled as they were crossing the street.

"It's a contraction of our names, see? Snape and Harry –Snarry! It's the "in" thing nowadays. Why, even Draco and Hermione have one for themselves –Dramione."

Severus' face contorted into a look of disgust.

"I bet 300 points that it's a Hufflepuff who coined that term." Harry laughed.

"Then prepare to lose 300 points for Slytherin, Sev. It's a Ravenclaw."

Severus gave him an "are-you-kidding-me" look. Harry just smiled. He then ushered his elder partner towards a quaint-looking muggle café. Harry held the beveled glass door open for his lover.

"Age before beauty," Harry said teasingly. Severus snarled but went ahead anyway.

"This is a daft idea, Potter,"

"Why, Professor Snape, you wound me. This is probably the most Slyhterinesque plan I have ever conceived!" The younger man pretended to look offended. Severus raised a perfectly arched eyebrow.

"Slytherinesque? Is that even a word? No –don't answer that. My head hurts as it is. What exactly is  **your**  plan anyway?"

Harry grinned and looked at him connivingly as he led Severus towards a dimmed corner at the back of the establishment that had plush armchairs.

"Fighting fire with fire."

**010101010**

A few minutes later, Harry and Severus were comfortably sitting on a couple of overstuffed green velvet upholstered armchairs, drinking coffee –well, coffee for Harry, and tea for Severus. The man just refuses to drink the "vile, bitter concoction." Severus faced the entrance to the café, frowning.

"No respect for time, seriously! Where in the world is this  **friend**  of yours?" Harry gave him a passing glance before sipping his too sweet mocha brew.

"Be nice, Sev, she is doing us a favor."

"Yeah, right."

Then, just at that very moment, the glass doors swung open, permitting a tall, willowy woman, entrance to the coffee shop. He long raven hair was gathered in a loose braid behind her left ear. She wore a large oversized white shirt over a pair of skinny jeans and black leather ankle boots. Her beetle black irises searched the crowd from behind a pair of rimless spectacles. Said eyes lit up upon seeing the two wizards huddled in the corner. A smile graced her face as she strode towards them.

"Harry!" She gushed. "Those muggle clothes look simply divine on you," She said, gesturing towards the black denim jacket, black tuxedo inner shirt, black snug-fitting jeans and black, laced, hi-cut Chuck Taylors that Harry was sporting. Harry grinned. The woman then turned to Severus. "Nice to finally meet you in person, Professor " She addressed the older man, knowing how he preferred to use his title. "–or May I call you Severus?" Without waiting for a reply, she continued. "You on the other hand should really wear more colors often. She waved her hand at Severus' attire of a crisp royal blue, striped polo shirt with the sleeves folded to show off his arms, a slim fit pair of khaki pants and white dress shoes. The man merely scowled.

"You're late." He said simply. Harry gave him a look before turning towards the woman.

"Forgive him, Chesca. He's just upset over the thing we have discussed last night –"

"Yeah, stupid things that you lot cannot seem to stop writing!" Severus snapped.

"Severus!" Harry exclaimed. "Be nice –"

To both men's surprise, Chesca, the fan fiction writer and muggle friend of Harry Potter, laughed. Both men stared at her. She then sighed, taking a seat across both of her new "clients", eying them thoughtfully. She all of a sudden missed Blaine Anderson and Kurt Hummel. Not many people knew that they were her first "clients". Klaine was an easy job, a child's play, compared to the two men in front of her now. Two men that were staring at her intently. Severus cleared his throat.

"Care to tell us mere wizards, what a muggle writer like you would find funny with our argument?"

Chesca beamed at him. The man was a dream for a writer like her.

"Oh, nothing's funny about arguing Severus. It's just that I find it amusing –how closing you are to what I imagine when I write."

Severus frowned at her. Harry gave his lover a glare as if to say "be nice –or ELSE". The older wizard sighed.

"Enlighten me,"

Chesca smiled at him before pulling out her laptop from a hot pink leather carrier. From Severus' vantage point, he could see that it had the letters "HP" printed on the cover, He turned to Harry.

"You produce muggle computers now?"

Harry followed his line of sight then chuckled. Chesca on the other hand looked amused; however, seeing Severus' scowl worsening, he cleared her throat and started clicking on the keyboard. A few seconds later, she spun the laptop around so that the screen faced the wizard couple.

"Not all fan fiction are, what you say, crap." She smiled. She tapped the screen lightly with one long, manicured finger, directing their attention to a highlighted link. Harry read the words and smiled. Severus read it and… gasped.

"But –but –you're Eastwoodgirl!"

Chesca laughed at the normally stoic Potions Master's astonished expression.

"The one and the only, at your service, Professor,"

Severus turned to Harry.

"You did not tell me that we were meeting with Eastwoodgirl!"

"I tried Sev, but you thought –what were your words again? Oh, that it was a "daft" idea –even before I could inform you of her identity!"

"But I've read her work and it's- it's –"

"A passable attempt?" Chesca supplied helpfully. Severus reddened at the muggle writer's use of his favorite phrase.

"Yes."

Harry laughed at his lover's expression.

"Now you see why this is the most Slytherinesque plan I've ever conceived?"

"Shut it Potter." Severus snapped. His eyes were on the laptop screen. He clicked on Eastwoodgirl's profile before turning to the woman.

"I've read all your works, they are quite –"

"Tolerable?" Chesca finished for him. Severus nodded. Harry snorted.

"He's a fan, Chesca. He adores your work even if you kill him in some of them. What were his words again? Ah, yes, he says at least it is a "dignified" death –"

Severus cheeks reddened even more. Chesca giggled.

"Why professor, I adore you too. If you were straight, I'd –"

"Oi!" Harry interrupted. "Back to the problem now, shall we?" Chesca continued to giggle like any 23-year old woman should and blew Harry a kiss, which made the young wizard blush. Severus cleared his throat.

"So how does this work again?"

Chesca clicked on a few more links.

"Have you ever heard of the phrase " _there is power in numbers_ "? Both men nodded briefly.

"Then, it is simple. I write stories for you that are the truth or at least within the realm of truth and disseminate them –"

"You want Harry and me to use our reputations to spread the truth?" Severus looked shocked. ." The truth is the truth! Why should we make an effort to dissuade people from writing crap about us? We don't owe them anything! Harry, I –"

'Sev, calm down. I've thought about it. If we want them to stop, this is the way to go. If they see us personally encouraging writers like Chesca who write the truth, then they would follow her lead and write about the real Harry and Severus, or at least tone down the nasty things they say about your nose."

Severus scratched his nose absent-mindedly. Then sighed.

"Okay, fine. How do we do this then?"

Chesca looked at Severus, then at Harry, then back at Severus and smiled.

**010101010**

Later that night, Severus was up finishing grading third-year essays about the properties of moonstone. He wrote a big, fat, red T on the last paper. He placed the reddened parchment on the table and sighed.

"Should I use my real name as my user name?" Harry's voice came from their bedroom. Severus stood up from his desk and made his way towards his lover.

"Try your real name," Severus suggested as he sat down next to the younger man on their bed. Harry was lying on his stomach, a magically enhanced laptop facing him.

"Darn! Someone's already using it! How can someone else be using my name? It's my freaking name! It's like stealing my identity!"

Severus sighed.

"Just use a variation of it then."

Harry looked at him.

"Easy for you to say. Why don't you do yours then?"

Severus snorted. He leaned over Harry and reached for the laptop. AS he did, his chest brushed against Harry's back, his long, lean legs straddled his younger partner's hips. Their compromising position brought a flush in Harry's cheeks. Severus felt him stir slightly, but ignored it pointedly. Instead, he let his fingers brush over the keys and typed in his desired username. Harry stared at the screen.

"BATMAN! Seriously, love?" Harry's eyes were wide like saucers. Severus just had to laugh at his face. He then reached over Harry once more, this time, lowering his body against his young lover's even more, brushing his hips against Harry's backside more deliberately. Severus thought he heard a low growl escape the wizarding savior's lips that went straight to his groin. The Potions master fought hard not to act on his urge right then and there. Instead, he focused on typing his username. Harry snorted at what he put in.

"Half-Blood Prince, eh?"

Severus nodded, still not moving from his position on top of Harry." He lowered his lips until they were against his lover's ears.

"And I believe that you should update yours accordingly," he whispered in that slick velvety voice. Harry felt goose bumps all over.

"What do you have in mind?"

Severus let out a low chuckle. He then grabbed Harry's hands with his and completely crushed the younger man's body against the soft mattress with his own. Harry groaned. He could feel Severus' straining erection against the cleft of his arse. He then bit his lip, trying hard to ignore his own arousal, stiff between his legs.

"What to, Sev?" he moaned, as Severus then began to make small nibbles on Harry's earlobes. The act caused the younger man to shiver in anticipation.

"What do you mean, Harry, hmm?"

"My username," Harry felt his coherent speech melting away at his lover's ministrations. "Change it… you… uhh… you… what…"

By that time, Severus' skillful mouth already graduated from Harry's ears, down to the crevice of his neck and began to suck hard on the tender spot there, causing the younger man to jolt and buck his hips backwards, towards Severus' body.

"Merlin!" Harry exclaimed. "Uhm… Sev… gods… don't… uhh… stop… But, ugh –fuck! What should my username be? I… ugh… need… to…"

Severus smirked at Harry's obvious display of arousal. But instead of acting on it further, he let go of the young wizard's hands completely and skirted his fingers across the laptop keys once more. Harry moaned at the loss of contact, be he did turn his attention towards the screen where his username was now typed in. Harry blushed at what he saw:

**USERNAME: ~Property of the Half-Blood Prince**

Harry flipped onto his back to face Severus.

"Property, eh?" he said, his emerald eyes staring at the obsidian ones that belonged to his lover that were directly above him. Severus gave him a questioning look. Harry smiled.

"Wouldn't have it any other way," he said, arching his back to meet up with the older man's lips –his eyes filled with unbridled, unmistakable lust. Severus' eyes danced with the same emotions as he swooped down and captured Harry's pink, pouting lips.

"Mine," Severus whispered as he delved deeper into that wonderful mouth.

"Yours," Harry managed to sigh contentedly before finally losing his ability to talk as Severus' skilled tongue started a war with his own. Harry's own hands began a journey of its own, with a mission to rid themselves of as many clothing articles as possible. Harry was unbuckling Severus' pants when the older man stiffened.

"What's wrong, love?"

Severus gave him a look then pointed to the far side of the room. Harry followed his finger and sighed.

"Don't mind her, love. Chesca is too busy writing this love scene to even notice what we are actually doing."

"Yeah, Sev, don't mind me. I'm busy making love to my muse right now… carry on!" Chesca said with a cheerful voice. She was huddled up in a corner on the floor, her laptop perched on her bent knees, a mild smile gracing her lips. Her eyes twinkled madly –too madly in Severus' opinion; that twinkling was much too reminiscent of Albus Dumbledore –not exactly a comforting thing when you were about to ravish your lover's lithe body and drive him to sheer ecstasy.

Severus looked like he was about to protest and say such, but Harry was already on top of him in one swift move. From that position, he could no longer see the third person in the room with them. Much better…

Then as Harry drove him to the heights of passion, Severus lost the battle with his conscious thinking and gave in to the wonderful sensations.

Oh well, they did want the truth out… and this is the closest as the readers could get to the truth.

**010101010**

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Your thoughts? Wasn't that fun? Please review!


End file.
